I have taught both of my children; one in the classroom, and one at home as a tutor. Each experience was both delightful and challenging. Parents moving into the parent-tutor sphere are changing the goal posts for their children. It is almost certain that your
relationship will never be the same again.
When you change the goal posts, relationships can:
1. grow, as you develop new respect for each other, or
2. become strained. From a child's POV, you have, possibly with out listening to them, caused their home life to stretch and include a new aspect.
The ideas below are taken from my presentation sessions to parents, and parent groups, who are considering becoming a parent-tutor.
My beliefs about relationships are:
a) People in relationships are affected by the relationship.
b) People in relationships both 'give' and 'get'; even in a respectful and supportive relationship. For example, one person, or all people, may give love and get satisfaction, or give security and get support.
c) Once the rules of the relationship change, there are 3 options:
- adapt: work to return the relationship to a balance you can live with;
- live with the changes;
- leave the relationship.
A CHILD'S OPTIONS
A child has the same 3 options, even if they express them, or try to solve them, in ways an adult wouldn't.
- ADAPT: a child will try to get the situation reversed, and revert to a known and accepted relationship form. A relationship they can live with;
- LIVE WITH THE CHANGES: the child chooses to give it a go;
- LEAVE: the child withdraws from you.
Even within these options, each child will respond to the changes in unique ways. If they try to ADAPT, you may observe a child 'pressing all your buttons'. A child who chooses to LIVE WITH THE CHANGES, generally, follows your lead. The child who opts to LEAVE the relationship, may subtly change what they do. Their behaviour may appear to be industrious, but effort levels may vary, they will sabotage your goals and communication may become perfunctory.
I am creating a video series that covers ideas and concepts important for parent-tutors.
- Number 1: an introduction helps parents assess the reality of becoming a parent-tutor
- Number2 (released yesterday), includes more details about the ideas covered in this blog.
- Number 3: (to be released on Thursday), looks at how to build supportive groups, who work together to build their children's success.
'Til next time, go well and be content,